Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Residency/Newborn Life

So life is a little overwhelming right now. I'm struggling being a mom to a 6, 4, 2, and almost 3 week old.

My husband is in his 1st year of residency. He struggles with feeling inadequate at work. He doesn't feel like he knows enough. At times, if we didn't owe so many student loans, he would probably just quit on the spot and walk away from it all.

Todd works long hours, six days a week this particular month. I am home just trying to make it through each day on this winter break. I nurse the baby what feels like all day long. My older children are going stir crazy. And I wonder how the heck we are going to get through this. I know there are tons of people out there with 4 or more kids and they are doing fine. Maybe it was a struggle for them, maybe not. But it definitely is for me. I can't give my children the attention I feel like I need to. I can't hold my sweet 2 year old as often as she would like. I can't take my son out and play soccer or basketball or tennis with him. We tried. It's just not going to happen right now.

It's 7:08 right now and I am on the couch typing this, just crying like a baby. Sometimes you just need a good cry. Then maybe you'll feel a little better afterward. I'm usually like that. But I think this is more. We are just at a crazy time in life. I love this little Elizabeth but I have felt depression set in during my pregnancy with her and now after she is here. It doesn't help not getting much sleep, I'm sure.

These tiny humans need so much from me and I'm trying my best but feel like a failure. I feel like I should love nursing and connecting but I don't. I wish I could stop but I can't get Elizabeth to take a bottle anymore. My husband helps put the kids to bed after we rush through dinner and baths but ends up putting himself to bed too. So there is no connection time with my spouse. I miss my dear husband. I know he's exhausted. He's struggling. I'm trying not to show how hard this is for me but I don't think I'm doing a great job of it. Neither of us can really be there for each other right now. So life just keeps moving and we try to keep up with it. We just make it through each day because you have to do what you have to do.

Life is hard. I know I'm richly blessed. I know we will get through this. I know things will get a little easier (or we will just get better at dealing with it). But for right now, it's just hard.